I woke on the morning of February thirteenth, muttered to umma “I should check the results for the working holiday lottery thingie”. Turned on the laptop, clicked on the notice that announced who got the lucky golden ticket (not to the chocolate factory). According to the Korean alphabets, Ko should have been the first few on the list. I scrolled to see the little section of Ko’s and Kim’s. I even Command+F for my name but it wasn’t there.

Finally I had to tell umma of my name not being on the list and we had a little time of prayer where I was upset for a while then felt peace about everything. Feelings are inexplicable when what you wanted for so long disappears with something so heartless as a lottery selection list. The world is cruel with its visas, citizenships, and borders. Years of attachments and connections are too sentimental to come into account of where a human is allowed to set foot according to border politics.

But there wasn’t a moment for me to feel bitter. I had to tell all my best friends (like ten people or so) that I didn’t get it. Fanfan rang me immediately which made me just wanna be at Taipei—buying a duoduo-green, complaining about the humditiy. Danny asked me if I was up for Hungary, we agreed we’d keep it in conversation. Wei-wei asked me what God told me about the results, I replied that doors are many. Wes said he’ll come murder and eliminate all the selected humans so I can be picked instead, I just laughed.

Then I proceeded to make myself a cup of tea, prepared to go to work where I get to watch a musical about the animal world of Africa where visas don’t exist.

To be honest, everything is shocking and calming at the same time. Plan B-Z seems to be laid out for me and it’s going to be another tolling age of researching. I’m not excited, yet. Though I must say enthusiasm and hopefullness don’t have to match up to each other.